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Montreal signs big right handed centre! - CONFIRMED

The Montreal Canadiens have signed one of those big fat guys from the NES game "Ice Hockey" to a one year deal. The deal came to be when one of those medium sized guys ended contract talks when he insisted he'd play all sixty minutes in each game. Bob Gainey went on the record as saying "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?" to the medium sized guy, and didn't even bother talking to the little dude, saying that "midgets really freak [him] out".

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Vancouver Canucks to retire Michael Jackson's "Thriller"

Well, that makes no fucking sense...

Bob Gainey checked into the Douglas

Canadiens' general manager Robert "Bobby" Gainey's family recently checked him into Montreal's Douglas Mental Health Institution. Son, and former NHL'er Steve Gainey, was quoted as saying, "[Gainey] didn't even offer Saku Koivu a contract! Saku ****ing Koivu!"

The family has said there's no current plans to release him by July 1st's free agency period, meaning that the Montreal Canadiens won't be signing any players to contracts when they hit the market. It's not expected that any fans will notice the difference.

Lecavalier to the Habs?!?

No.

News from Gerber

Upon hearing he was claimed by the Leafs, goaletender Martin Gerber told the local media, "fuck!"

Jay-Bo is "ready to cash in"

Panthers' defenseman Jay Bouwmeester has been quoted as saying "I don't give a s*** where I end up, as long as I cash in in the summer."

All signs are pointing to the Million Dollar Man offering a huge contract to the young superstar in order to rebuild the Million Dollar Corporation. Bouwmeester is expected to be joined by Sid Vicious, Barry Bonds and the guy who voiced Raphael in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret Of The Ooze.

Bob Gainey: Still in bed

Word is that Montreal's general manager, Bob Gainey, is in bed with the flu. When asked if he would take any calls, he told his assistant to "go f*** yourself." It seems he has caught the flu from young netminder Jaroslav Halak.

Vinny coming home?!

Speculation is that Vincent Damphousse will be on his way back to the Montreal Canadiens. The contract isn't known as this point, but it is rumoured to include a $50 gift card to Mike's, and a free text messaging plan. More to come.